The last day of 2013 - a time for reflection

What will I remember from 2013?  
Perhaps this is actually my gratitude list for 2013:

• many trips to NE to see my mom
• trips to NC to finish my Spiritual Direction studies
• trip to Louisiana to be part of a Women's Creativity Retreat
• trips to the beach to hang out and be with my family
• late nights of creativity; painting, collaging, writing
• many hours traveling/visiting/playing with my sister
• listening to Isaac play his violin
• watching Isaac swim many many laps
• watching Samuel learn to walk
• listening to Maia play the guitar 
• doing art with Nora
• learning the color names in Italian from Emma
• seeing the crazy, beautiful nature of Jonathan in his daughter Sofia
• learning/healing in regards to being a victim from my dog Jo
• sleeping with a 65 year old man I love!
• helping Anna close some doors in order to open others
• rejoicing at the good news that the NY Fromms will be moving to MN
• the joy of cleaning the steps with a good vacuum
• settling into a new house, even remembering where the light switches are
• finding more ease with my job, and growing in self-trust
• observing Sara as incredible mother to 3 of my grandchildren
• supporting Sara and Craig in their walk with their friend Karl who died of cancer
• being privileged to be with many families as they prepare to bury their loved one
• Jeff, receiving an "all clear" from the pulmonologist 
• good health all around
• wonderful new car - thank you Subaru!
• many wonderful massages - thank you Rita!
• being with extended family at the Kacirek reunion in August
• being part of the Art/Craft show with Anna
• late night massages with Jeff
• 
  

Wearing the Shame Collar

What does it feel like wearing a shame collar? It alters  my sense of where I am in space as the collar hits things around me.  Judgement is questioned, much  second guessing, self-doubt, fear, and clumsiness. I have a hard time maneuvering ....Not to mention it is like a beacon to the world:I cannot be trusted to not lick my own wounds and further injure myself, please feel sorry for me. It is annoying and frankly a pain in the neck!

Not an ordinary walk

It's been one day since I experienced the traumatic event of my dog, Jo, being attacked by another dog on our morning walk.  I felt an incredible powerlessness as I was unable to rescue my dog from the attacking dog.  I debated about letting go of my dog's leash so she could run or fight back but decided that if I let go she would be killed.
I remained holding her leash watching this viscous attack as I  frantically kicked the attacker and screamed for help at the top of my lungs over and over for what seemed like a really long time. I sensed the amazing stillness and calm all around me as no human was in sight.  I felt like I was in a vacuum as I pleaded repeatedly for help, kicking with all my might, and watching my innocent pup be aggressively attacked over and over. I felt so alone, inadequate, and powerless.
By this time my dog and I have been pulled off the street and into the ditch of the neighbor's yard by the agressor. Eventually the neighbor must have heard me and a young woman came running toward us and started to frantically but futilly pound on the dog with her arms and kick with her legs as she screamed at "Echo", the aggressive attacking dog to stop. Soon the young woman's father came running out with bare feet, perhaps awakened from sleep.  He also yelled and swung his arms and bent between the two dogs to quickly have his hand bit by my dog, the victim.  He stood up and came behind his dog, continuing to yell. He placed his arms under the attacking dog's belly behind the front legs and pulled with all his might to eventually pull the dog off of my dog as they landed with a thud on the ground. The two neighbors quickly whisked away "Echo" to secure him somewhere away from us.
Jo and I crumpled into the ditch and I held her and told her, "It's over now!" We, both in shock, felt stunned  at what had happened.
I am of the belief that things don't just randomly happen for the most part and that there are great lessons/opportunities in what happens in our lives.  I am sensing there is so much to glean from this lesson of victim/aggressor....

Re-Entry

This is the 3rd day back from a 6 day retreat away from my everyday busy life.  I vacillate between giving myself space to step back into the rhythm of daily living, pushing and shaming myself for being so slow to get back on the saddle, thinking that there might be a whole new rhythm I'm still finding, and being sure I'll never regain equilibrium. 

 I'm pretty sure my morning practices of deep breathing with mediation and yoga help me in the re-entry process.  Other tools that help are ensuring that I am hydrated and eating plenty of vegetables, fruits, and protein.  Spending some time with my dog and being outside is helpful too.

The tension of resisting what is, in fear that what will be will be uncomfortable takes a toll.... I'm deciding right now to let go of the illusion that I have to control my reality by either shaping it or resisting it.  I am choosing to accept this moment as it is.....until the next one arrives.....

Just like that!

I just finished writing a blog, got interrupted and minimized my writing.  Later when I returned it was gone. It was a writing about re-entry after 6 days away from home.  I spoke boldly about choosing to accept what is....this moment.....now.....and here I am in this moment realizing the teacher has arrived.....

Return from the South

I just returned from the New Orleans.  I am experiencing geographical weather shock. When I left it was 85 degrees, sunny.  Everything was green and it felt like the sun is always shining - at least for the 5 days I was there.

 When I got into Minneapolis last night it was 47 degrees with blowing rain. This did not feel very welcoming.  The rain and wind have continued throughout the day today.  I wanted to sleep all day and escape the inevitable reality that winter is coming.  We have the heat on, people are wearing coats, and there is a subtle edge to everything as we begin to face the inevitable.

 I suppose the best way to accept this reality is to stop projecting into the future, right?  

I take a deep breath, wiggle my shoulders and come back to this moment, where I can be warm in front of the fireplace, wearing my hoodie, and feel sorry for those folks down south that never get to make a snowman!  

Stop and Notice

I find it amazing how life is speeding up these days....I find it important to  purposely stop and breathe and remind myself to BE in the moment...feel my toes, notice where tension abides in my body, am I breathing deeply or shallow?, notice some detail about something around me....all of this brings me back to the present moment.  I believe living in the present moment consciously changes my level of fear/anxiety/angst.  Of course, we are all living in the present moment, since there is no other moment but this one but the keyword here is consciously - with mindfulness - awakened....If I don't take this little stop break it is so easy to project into the future, feel pushed from one event to the next, feel frantic about no time for me, and become self-consumed.  I appreciate the internal reminders to stop and notice.
Thank you Interplay for your helpful, simple, and profound tools!